She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
