booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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