Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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