So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
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I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
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peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?