are you wasted or are you getting laid?
that's an acceptable place to lick
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
These 23 People Prove You Don’t Have To Be A 10 To Be Good In Bed
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Houston, we have a blender
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.