someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
