I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
