you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
