half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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