Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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