My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
porn star boner night. come get it.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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