i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
