At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
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why do cheetos always look like penises
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
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He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.