Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
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