dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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