Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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