I want to make a zoo with you.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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