I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
bring money and cleavage
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
