so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize