I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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