you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
