i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
