A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
