sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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