the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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