Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
