Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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