I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
