how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
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I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
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The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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