I think scott just propositioned me for sex
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
