Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
