I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
