Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
