wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Randomize
