it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
