Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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