do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
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i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
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I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
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