btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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