woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
