apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
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