if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
