I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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