I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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