my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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