Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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