Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
