Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
