at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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