I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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