Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.