how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
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dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
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Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis