i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
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My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
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I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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