also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
