I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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