I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I want to make a zoo with you.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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