I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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