I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
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