The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
